on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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