after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
