I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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