Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(773): View more from Illinois

So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(517): View more from Michigan

when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.

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(323): View more from California

well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.

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(905): View more from Ontario

No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.

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(541): View more from Oregon

They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident

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