There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
