me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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