Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
