The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
