in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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