it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
