He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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