I will die if light touches me.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
