I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
