I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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