You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize