soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
