New low: just hacked my moms facebook
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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