Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
