then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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