If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Congratulations! We have a period
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
