Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
