While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
