Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Randomize
