i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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