I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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