Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
