new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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