yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
