cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
In America we eat man semen.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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