In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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