I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
