How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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