Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
