I just threw up on my dentist
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
