I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
me + whiskey = a bad person
Randomize
