your parents love me but you hate me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
