My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
