How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
