matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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