CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
