she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
