thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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