Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
