I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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