Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
