I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
