I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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