I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
