so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
