I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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