i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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