I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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