I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
this beer tastes like vomit already
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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