those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
