I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
