You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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