I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
