gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
